"I think that the people surrounding a person living with cancer often need that person to be a superhero. They don't want to see you frightened, or sad, or depressed.
I try to deal with these expectations as best I can, even if it means that I no longer see some people, the most extreme way of dealing with them."
@ Jeanne Sather 2006 in: The Assertive Cancer Patient
About a year ago I was befriended on twitter by a group of close friends which seemed to take me under their wing. The word seems is the operative one here because this friendship only worked for them if things went in accordance with their belief systems.
One thing that was frowned on was admitting physical disability in anything other than a "fun way". As one of them said: "You'll never get a contract if you let anyone know you're sick. You have to pretend to be healthy and wealthy. Never worried about anything"
But Frankly
Even before my cancer diagnosis in December 2007, healthy was a stretch for me to pull off so that didn't fly. After some episodes of be being frank about this they departed from my support system en-mass about six weeks after I got cancer. And I mean that literally. Within a week all were unsubscribed from my twitter, blog, you name it. One, a very prominent tweeter even dropped and blocked me on facebook without a word.
They clearly believe what they say and live their lives with FUN being the motto. And they are accurate reflections of much of the "real world" where being our real self is seems tantamount to admitting we are worthless pieces of humanity holding a gun at the ready just to rid the world of ourselves - when in reality we're communicating a real story - without flowers and hearts and pink tennis skirts.
Because let's face it, some of us are not able to go canoing or golfing, bar-hopping or walking for that matter. It's not doom and gloom it's just reality!
This is put on a happy face thing not an unusual phenomenon. In families mothers who are getting more and more ill continue to do their multi-faceted jobs long after the children should be helping by putting dishes in the dishwasher, mixing lemonade, folding clothes and walking dogs.
The people around us can put their heads in the sand as long as we pretend we're "able".
But are we doing them any favors?
Are we doing neighbors any favors if we don't tell them we'd be glad to have them bring in dinner once a week as respite for our families? Are we doing our online friends any favors when we put on a mantle of "tough it out?"
Jeanne Sather is right though and people don't want to see us
frightened, or sad, or depressed.
For the record I'm not depressed or sad so much at this point as I am frustrated and sometimes overwhelmed. Then there is pain and fatigue. That's still not under control. Some days pain is worse. But most days fatigue has me decked. Literally.
Some don't like to see that. Others dislike reality in general. But unfortunately that's what I've got.
Representing the situation as anything else seems like a lie to me.
Not to mention that it would also discount all the great stuff my twitter and blogging friends do for me, and my 22 year old daughter who has put her life on hold, is living at home and on whose shoulders falls most of the everyday "stuff." She even represents me at live events I can't get to.
I've learned to stop pretending there's nothing wrong
No longer interacting with some people as Jeanne suggests is an
option. I guess education is another. But that's harder to do with some
than many others. I'm lucky to mainly have friends and readers to whom I can tell the truth.
Like you.
Recent Comments