I was talking with my son Ryan today. We talked about how much being involved with the grandson he'll add to the family in August is important to me. We're talking about ways to make those connections happen before baby Reily gifts us with his presence.
Not many people know that I'll do pretty much anything to keep from talking about anything that's important but hurtful to me. I've got walls ten feet high and a foot thick. But it's just a reality that has to be faced that since I've gotten cancer I have little interaction with my two granddaughters who live close by.
My son though lives a long way away and spent a long time overseas. We have not lived close to each others for almost a decade but even without being a parent he seems on some level to understand what a deep connection I feel for my children. And he somehow knows that his that soon to be born little boy of his presents an opportunity for joy which will add years to my life. . . or maybe he just believes that I believe it.
Even as I'm able to walk less, I want to see Reily learn to walk. I look forward to him crawling ot toddling to me, then up in my lap for a cuddle and a giggle. I want to play cars on the floor. I even want to hear his mom and dad tell us we can't make ALL the cereal boxes in the house into buildings for our town.
Yes, I admit that those things are probably more important to me because I do have cancer. I do have less years in my future than I thought I would. I'm told it's not likely that I'll go to a grandchild's high school graduation.
But there are days that I CAN enjoy that mean more than I would have understood they would. And maybe the days and the connections we somehow build will mean more to the children if they know how much joy it brings to nana. I can pray. And I can tell them over and over how much it means to me.