The Birth of an Energy Surge

When I wrote in the artsy asylum blog how I thought today was the day my second grandchild would be born, I talked about the surge of energy I felt and how odd it was, that I hadn't felt it in many years. And I mean MANY years - long before I knew I can cancer, but of course I did have it all the while.

But not to be spooky or anything but this baby - and it really did happen very suddenly - is having some kind of effect on me only when her mother is actively having contractions.

We in the western world know a lot about a lot of things

But there are many things we are so behind on. One is energy and another is the human spirit.  I truly think that maybe - just maybe - something having to do with energy and the spirit is going on. I believe that NOW, as she gets ready to be born, this baby is giving me a glimpse of immortality, and an almost cellular memory of joy.

I don't feel better just because my focus is outside myself

More than one person has suggested that. And normally that would make sense. Except in my case my condition has deteriorated steadily over the years and it's only recently that I've even begun to admit it, capped off by my cancer diagnosis which was totally public.

Now health professionals both traditional and non-traditional insist that cancer syndrome is likely occurring in part because my body has been fighting off cancer for years without being diagnosed, and depleting every reserve I have. They say that to rebuild, to heal and to live, I must focus on myself and stop focusing on caring for, nurturing, fixing other people's problems and issues.

That focus inward is the hardest part

A good example happened recently. My acupuncturist mentioned her web presence and I immediately started talking about building a blog and how we could hold info meetings about acupressure and build her profile . .

She stopped me in my tracks, reminding me that she still can not feel ANY energy pulses that she should be feeling in me. Insisting that I did not have the extra energy to be expending it and that I was not rebuilding my energy focusing on her issues; I was taken to task. When pointed out I could see what I was doing.

Yes, I can share. In fact she'll support spending 20% of the energy I have on sharing with others - things like blogging to educate about cancer, explaining web 2.0, working for charities, helping those who would like to establish a Second Life presence etc - but says the other 80% of my energy needs to be spent letting my body rebuild itself.

It is the hardest thing I've ever done.

So if it's not a problem of being self-absorbed..

What about the whole baby Emma thing? I've done some reading today and find that very ill patients often are very energized by a baby. They ask nothing of you but simple care and love. They look to you as if you're the most interesting person on earth.

Many cultures teach that a baby brings a life force into a room - a home; into your life. And that the same quality of energy is impossible to achieve in any other way (puppies included). Babies don't allow one to flit around wasting focus, but encourage locking onto those eyes that peer into you in fascination.

Children are always miracles - I know that firsthand, four times over. But I did not expect this kind of energy to emanate from one in the process of being born twenty miles away.

In late morning the seeming boundless energy of 7AM began to fade and I took a nap; later to find out that labor had stalled about the same time.

Oh yes - there's something interesting happening here. Believe it or not.

Comments

[Otenth Paderborn]

Bless you, bless you, bless you, bless you. When I read this:
I believe that NOW, as she gets ready to be born, this baby is giving me a glimpse of immortality, and an almost cellular memory of joy.
I burst into tears--what I think of as "prayer tears," which also sometimes happen to me when I read the newspaper.

[Brian Walin]

Hi Susan!

For a while now I've followed your blog, watched your personal videos and enjoyed your spirit of survival! Your openness and willingness to help others is truly amazing. Your spirit is strong! I'm a head and neck cancer patient. I lost 1/2 my tongue to this disease. I'm a firm believer in energy. Whether it be from a new born or marveling in a sunset, something fills the spirit to energize it. The important thing is recognizing it and using it to your advantage to keep going!

Many years ago, in Hawaii, I met several people on a beach washing their "crystals" in the ocean re-energizing them. Something they believed gave then strength. At the time I kinda thought they were a bit nuts. Today I think I wasn't open to the possibility that energy can be gathered in the spirit.

I have always been a nature lover, but I find I gather strength from taking part in it. A sunset, the scent of a gardenia, the flight of a dragonfly, all energize me. The more open I am, the more I see and experience, the stronger I feel.

One year before being diagnosed with my illness I found myself back in Hawaii. This time it was different. I went snorkeling and found myself riding on the back of a turtle. While driving to Hana a huge white horse was in the road and would not let me pass. I a misty rain began and a double rainbow appeared. Further down the road a Brahma bull in a pasture, legs in the air on his back scratching himself. This wasn't an ordinary vacation. I knew something bigger was going on I just couldn't figure it out. I felt the energy surging within me. After I was diagnosed I new what was going on. I was gathering energy to get me through my illness. I might sound like a crackpot, just like I thought of those people energizing their crystals, but it works for me. I know how to recharge my spirit. Mostly just being open to it and taking advantage of it!

There is more going on in life than we can comprehend, but opening up and recognizing where your energy comes from is a key element to cancer survival...that I believe!

Peace and Love
B
http://beyondtheglassdoor.blogspot.com/

[Susan Reynolds]

Brian I loved your comment, and your story. And it doesn't even sound - totally - nutty to me :)

I don't think one has to be a tree-hugging, birkenstock wearing, pan-flute listening stereotype of all things mystical to see how amazing how our physical and emotional environment can energize or de-energize us.

This is an amazing story you have to tell. I hope you're sharing it a lot, just to get people thinking. Just maybe it's time for me to wire wrap one of those crystals and hang it on my chest. Even describing it kind of feels good. Then lighting up my vanilla scented candle while I reply to comments couldn't hurt, right?

It sounds as if you are doing remarkably well, and I hope that you are. Beyond that - be sure you'll be seeing me dropping by your blog soon. There's a lot to learn.

[Brian Walin]

Susan,

This story is part of a life book I'm writing and because of you, I will share it on my blog. I never thought it was that relevant to cancer at the the time it was written, but after reading your post I think it's just what the doctor ordered. Keep a look out. I'll have it up in a few days! YOU gave me the energy to do this!

Peace and Love
B
http://beyondtheglassdoor.blogspot.com/

[S13CYBERGAL]

Hi Susan:

I rejoice for you that you are opening up to stuff that used to be "out there". Being raised by a psychotic mother showed me a lot of things very few people understand. After fighting for and gaining recovery from my own mental illness, I have compassion I don't think I could have learned (as well) any other way. This experience with illness is building a whole other dimension of life for you.

I am glad you realize you need to do 80%/20% on nuturing you vs nuturing others. Don't feel guilty when you have to pull back and retreat. I heaped unnecessary hatred upon myself for the days of sleeping I had to do to handle all the flashbacks, depression and rage I had to fight through. Not to mention the GRIEF work. Sometimes sleep is the best healing force I know.

I believe that all the people who put their attention and loving thoughts toward you are also dooing spiritual prayer/energy work. It is hard to explain, but the world we don't see is busy and active. Once I got all that hateful, negative poison out of my being, I found the spiritual side of things to be lovely, enriching and enduring.

Know a whole lot of us busy folks love you and think of you a lot, even when we seem to disappear from twitter. Try not to fight the ups and downs of your body. I hated this phraise, but it is really true. "acceptance is the answer to all my problems." When I stopped wasting energy about hating being mentally ill, blind, single, lonely, bla, bla, bla. I had more energy to focus on actually changing some of what was wrong. For you it is more energy that will go into your body's healing of itself.

God Bless girlfriend